Ok, so I have to start off by saying, yes, you can meet weirdos pretty much anywhere on this planet... but I find myself in strikingly familiar situations that remind me of a Seinfeld episode whenever I get on UTA tracks or go to the gym.
Scenario #1: (The seating arrangement matters in this story, so bear with me). I was sitting parallel to an empty frontward- facing train seat (it was one of those single person seats that faces the middle of the train rather than forward) when a stop at the IMC boards several people. A man decides to take his place next to me on this seat that was parallel with mine (so he was facing my side). He was a pretty hefty guy, wore scrubs, and carried a briefcase. Looked like he just got off graveyard shift. Next stop, the train fills up quickly, and a lovely woman was scrambling to find an open spot to sit down. I thought to myself, "C'mon man, slide your butt over for her", seeing that he had room for her to sit down, even though he was on the heavier side. Finally, the woman politely asks if she can sit next to him and he scoots over just enough for half her bottom to fit on the bench. Wow. How considerate. And he had a good six or more inches of space he could have shared. He then proceeds to open his briefcase and rummage through what sounded like a plastic bag. Snap peas. A nice healthy snack, with no obnoxious odor for everyone to inhale... now that was considerate. However, I thought too soon. No imagination (except for Seinfeld writers) could have come up with what happened next. The sounds that came from this man while popping each snap pea into his mouth (and he popped many) was similar to that of a severely parched dog lapping up a huge bowl of water. And then with, I kid you not, every other swallow, he ERUCTED into his fist, while I sat inches in front of him and the lovely woman was smashed up against him. This continued for the duration of my ride (approx. 15 mins). Really a treasure of a memory.
Scenario #2: So at the gym one day, I go into the aerobics studio (with the lights off because I find it's more relaxing to do my stretches that way and there's sufficient light from the gym that shines in that you don't need the studio lights on to see). And I begin to stretch. While I am spreading eagle, some woman (looked to be about my age) texting on her phone came walking in. She directed herself to the area where all the mats and weights for the studio are kept (which is exceptionally dark when the lights are off because it doesn't face the entrance of the studio where the light feeds in from the gym). So she disappears into the black. I continue to stretch. I anticipate her emergence onto the studio floor, joining me in stretching or maybe exercises of her own. About a minute or two passes while I am face down into the floor, in my zen. Five minutes pass. Not a sound from the woman. I look up and peer into the dark area, wondering what was taking her so long... and without a sound. Oh... texting probably. I return to my zen. Another five minutes later...did she walk out without my seeing her? Mind you, a pin could be heard in that studio if dropped so to conclude that she had left seemed illogical. Thirty seconds later, she appears from the dark with a big smile on her face. I can't see very well in dim light without my glasses on... but I swear she was looking at me as if she recognized me as her good friend and was going to say hello. As she got closer, her eye contact did not waver, so I tried my best to study her face. Did I know her? Why was she smiling at me like that? Kay, kinda getting a little bizarre. Did she think I was hot? Maybe it was an apologetic smile for her interrupting my zen with a potential inquiry? Still smiling and fixed on me. I finally decided to spit out a "Hi!" that may or may not have sounded like I was greeting someone familiar. And this is what happened. No, really, it did, guys. She uttered, "Eeeeeek, eeeeeek"...she passes me towards the center of the floor... I stare in confusion, wondering if it's someone I can't place that's playing a joke on me...she turns her head towards me without actually looking at me now and matter of factly says, "I speak dolphin." No doubt! That's exactly what it sounded like. Silence. Awkward silence. I mutter a courteous albeit perplexed "Ooh." She turns around after one stretch in the awkward silence and leaves the studio. What. was. that.
Sam the Eagle would say:
2 comments:
Oh my goodness, that is hilarious! I want to meet a woman who can speak dolphin at the gym ;)
Oh my goodness! That is the most hilarious thing I've heard in a long time. Psycho I think is what I'd put on that second scenario. Weirdo is too kind. You should have suggested she may be more comfortable in a water aerobics class - it would be more her element.
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